I Would Run You Over With My Car for Russell Westbrook’s Jacket

Let’s talk about March 3rd of 2019. Largely an unremarkable day, March 3rd was the first Sunday of the month. Not a clue what I did that day, except I remember one thing in particular, and haven’t forgotten it since: Russell Westbrook got a fit off.

The Oklahoma City Thunder edged out the Memphis Grizzlies 99-95 that day, but that’s not important. Beyond that game, which was held between a team destined for the playoffs and one destined for a decent draft pick, not much happened on the court. What is important and actually worth mentioning is the ensemble Russell Westbrook wore in the pregame tunnel on the way to the locker room of the Chesapeake Arena.

Russell Westbrook is widely known as one of the NBA’s pillars of fashion (not to mention an MVP and someone who clearly has no respect for gravity), giving cameras and social media plenty of fodder, whether he’s taunting a former lanky teammate’s status as a “photographer” or contributing to the denim revival.

Style on the court in the NBA is largely influenced by this one man, this one man who destroys basketball hoops and defenders’ self-respect for a living. He runs so fast, he’s like when you have dreams about driving a car and your foot gets stuck on the gas. Russell Westbrook, someone whose explosively violent dunks make Tom Cruise stunts look boring.

Westbrook’s unrelenting desire to destroy opponents and their desire to continue guarding him every night is why he signed a 5-year, $205M deal two years ago – you pay that Sonic/Hulk/Frog hybrid as much as it requires.

He really doesn’t do anything else that anyone else does. No one else averages a triple double three years running. No other MVP would stay in a small market like Oklahoma City. Besides being a sentient stick of dynamite, Russell can bring the drip like no one else.

If you read that last sentence and rolled your eyes, drip is a term for style. Drip is style that makes you do a double-take, that keeps you staring at your phone screen, thumb hovering in a style-induced stupor before eventually double-tapping out of respect. Drip is this outfit that Russell wore on March 3rd, courtesy of @leaguefits.

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A power-fit in pink, Russ is cozy enough to fall asleep during a bad movie and fresh enough to grab 25k likes, considerably more than most outfits get on the account, even his other pregame tunnel outfits.

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“DRIP GOD” is right, @plutodashh_. But look at that jacket, all quilted and colorful, something you’d see in Pendleton’s catalog. It might be from Pendleton, but I don’t think so; I browse their inventory every week and never saw it in March, much to my chagrin.

Just look at this warm little wonder. The colors are perfect, the cut is perfect, and the rest of the fit is perfect, sweatsuit with Jordans to match, capped off by this jacket that will, and should, elude me.

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Russell Westbrook’s jacket probably has some handy little pockets on the inside where you can stash your keys or where you’d put your phone so it doesn’t slip out of your sweatpants pocket, which we all know is one of the least-efficient pockets known to man – can barely keep your hands warm, if you can even fit them in there. Fingers are usually all close together looking like a giant squid swimming aerodynamically, your knuckles barely making inside the pocket lining. Sweats with big pockets do exist, but they’re always really loose-fitting and not as comfortable as normal-legged ones. Anyway.

I’d run you over with my car for this jacket.

I’d call the IRS and tell them your grandma hasn’t paid her taxes in 28 years if it meant I could have a link to buy this jacket online somewhere.

I’d steal your PS4 controller, take out the X button, and return it with a dead battery if it meant I could touch this jacket sent from heaven.

I love each and every color on this jacket; the reds, the blues, the yellows and is that a bit of green? Kinda hard to tell, but I don’t think that’s green. I want that sweatshirt too. And the sweatpants. The shoes aren’t bad, but I’m not much of a Jordan guy (actually, despite loving everything he does and says, I really dislike every Jordan shoe Russell Westbrook has had so far, they’re all terrible).

Judging by the sleeves poking out from this much-revered (by me) article of extreme drippage, Russ’ shirt underneath is pink as well, which is not surprising; if you’re gonna have this kind of fit, you’re gonna go full throttle on the pink.

I’d go full throttle running your ass over if it meant this fashion statement was mine.

 

Starting XI Footballers Who Don’t Look Like Footballers

Sometimes you see someone and think ’they’ve gotta be a lawyer’, and it turns out they’re a successful bank robber and that sports car rumbling at the curb is their getaway vehicle, not their favorite escort service.

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Personally, I look like a limp scarecrow but turns out I’m just Gumby’s cousin; you see my poorly formed point.

Here are my starting eleven footballers who don’t look at all like footballers; some of them actually do look like they have a great first touch but would be viable in other industries, potentially even more so. If you’re wondering where that second center back is, I’m going with a 3-4-2-1 so Jonjo Shelvey could make the list. If you have no idea who that is, he’s the one who looks like he wants to murder Harry Potter.

Okay.

GK: Gábor Király

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Dude wears sweats. Like, all the time. Tried shorts, but you can’t go home after a match and crash on the couch in the unrivaled comfort that sweats provide. Sweats aren’t professional, but he shatters that myth. Probably catches up on Vikings on the way home from away matches and helps the driver when the team bus breaks down; doubt the Hungarian top flight flies first class.

LB: Philipp Lahm

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He’s definitely the unpaid intern at a real estate firm that everyone hates.

RB: Seamus Coleman

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This Irishman screams captain of your local football club, but would fit right in among the military big boys — Corporal Coleman is ready to get his ragtag group of soldiers into elite fighting shape, and they love him for it.

CB: Pepe

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Very resilient alien life form — hails from Planet Zorpulis in the Pffffhhhhgg Galaxy (only eats sharp shards of scrap metal, preferably rust-resistant).

MID: Raul Meireles

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If you look at his older pictures, you kinda see a footballer. In 2018, Raul Meireles looks like he runs an artisanal garlic shop where you’re legally bound to hold a hamster in your palm as you shop.

MID: Andres Iniesta

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Dude is 5’7″ if we’re feeling generous, plus he’s looked like he’s at the end of an exhausting political campaign for over a decade — been balding since Messi was in diapers.

MID: Jonjo Shelvey

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Definitely wants Harry Potter dead, but he should go to the Weasley’s first — Ginny has to go.

MID: Ryan Giggs

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The most decorated footballer in history looks like the guy in 90’s kid’s shows who has one line that ends in “…sweet” before never appearing in the show again because he got caught drinking a beer between takes.

RW: Willian

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My perfect son Willian. Would 100% be the lead singer in a samba band but would dance way more than he sings, which would be a good thing.

LW: Cristiano Ronaldo

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LOOK AT HIM.

ST: Dimitar Berbatov

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My first thought upon seeing this brute was that he was surely an assassin during the Cold War, single-handedly keeping the silenced pistol industry alive, but now I get Big Cement written all over him. Huge deals to develop parking structures where rose gardens and senior homes once lay — Dimitar, you cold bastard.

BONUS: MANAGER — Julian Nagelsmann

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He’s the founder of the hottest IoT startup and keeps losing you when he explains cloud computing.