Starting XI Footballers Who Don’t Look Like Footballers

Sometimes you see someone and think ’they’ve gotta be a lawyer’, and it turns out they’re a successful bank robber and that sports car rumbling at the curb is their getaway vehicle, not their favorite escort service.

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Personally, I look like a limp scarecrow but turns out I’m just Gumby’s cousin; you see my poorly formed point.

Here are my starting eleven footballers who don’t look at all like footballers; some of them actually do look like they have a great first touch but would be viable in other industries, potentially even more so. If you’re wondering where that second center back is, I’m going with a 3-4-2-1 so Jonjo Shelvey could make the list. If you have no idea who that is, he’s the one who looks like he wants to murder Harry Potter.


GK: Gábor Király


Dude wears sweats. Like, all the time. Tried shorts, but you can’t go home after a match and crash on the couch in the unrivaled comfort that sweats provide. Sweats aren’t professional, but he shatters that myth. Probably catches up on Vikings on the way home from away matches and helps the driver when the team bus breaks down; doubt the Hungarian top flight flies first class.

LB: Philipp Lahm


He’s definitely the unpaid intern at a real estate firm that everyone hates.

RB: Seamus Coleman


This Irishman screams captain of your local football club, but would fit right in among the military big boys — Corporal Coleman is ready to get his ragtag group of soldiers into elite fighting shape, and they love him for it.

CB: Pepe


Very resilient alien life form — hails from Planet Zorpulis in the Pffffhhhhgg Galaxy (only eats sharp shards of scrap metal, preferably rust-resistant).

MID: Raul Meireles


If you look at his older pictures, you kinda see a footballer. In 2018, Raul Meireles looks like he runs an artisanal garlic shop where you’re legally bound to hold a hamster in your palm as you shop.

MID: Andres Iniesta


Dude is 5’7″ if we’re feeling generous, plus he’s looked like he’s at the end of an exhausting political campaign for over a decade — been balding since Messi was in diapers.

MID: Jonjo Shelvey


Definitely wants Harry Potter dead, but he should go to the Weasley’s first — Ginny has to go.

MID: Ryan Giggs


The most decorated footballer in history looks like the guy in 90’s kid’s shows who has one line that ends in “…sweet” before never appearing in the show again because he got caught drinking a beer between takes.

RW: Willian


My perfect son Willian. Would 100% be the lead singer in a samba band but would dance way more than he sings, which would be a good thing.

LW: Cristiano Ronaldo


ST: Dimitar Berbatov


My first thought upon seeing this brute was that he was surely an assassin during the Cold War, single-handedly keeping the silenced pistol industry alive, but now I get Big Cement written all over him. Huge deals to develop parking structures where rose gardens and senior homes once lay — Dimitar, you cold bastard.

BONUS: MANAGER — Julian Nagelsmann


He’s the founder of the hottest IoT startup and keeps losing you when he explains cloud computing.

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