What If Brands Took Their Names Literally?

Branding is a fascinating and fun part of creating something – you get to think of a name, logo, positioning and even draft up a mission statement (usually which turns out to be awful and so full of blather that no one has any idea what it really means).

Coming up with a name can be difficult, and sometimes the only name that works is one that’s uninspiring but nails down what the company does right away.

John’s Plumbing isn’t exactly Yves Saint Laurent but fixing clogged pipes is quite the opposite of glamorous. Taking your brand name literally can be incredibly more effective than going with something that’s memorable and trendy, but what if companies or brands applied their names directly to their business model?

What I mean is this – what if John Deer was just some guy named John who sold deer he shot and prepared? That’s more ‘John’s Deer’ but you get the point; below are some examples of when branding is taken literally.

Facebook

Just a hardcover book full of photos of faces. You know, random profiles and selfies. People you don’t know, maybe that one guy you shared an awkward silence with on the subway after you both witnessed a man pull a domesticated rat out of his shoe. You get it for free, but then you start to hate it once your grandma gets one too and can’t stop using it incorrectly.

Postmates

Get yourself a mail-order partner. They’ll arrive pretty quick, but they might look slightly different from the picture online. On the other hand, they come with cutlery.

Lacoste

Service company that provides customers with their own unique Frenchman/woman that walks around with you while shopping and tells you the price of any item. Well, any item they deem worthy of purchasing, which is probably just some expensive rugs at the local market that are worth twice your rent. If they’re from Quebec, they’re only slightly less arrogant.

Gap

Create designer gaps in your teeth for suspiciously low prices.

Microsoft

Company that sells incredibly small plush toys that are appealing to people that won’t shell out for a decent teddy bear with some extra fluff.

Apple

Grows apples so aesthetically pleasing that owners can’t bear to eat them, and they last for years before quickly losing their shine. Expensive as hell, but boy are they great apples.

Dodge Ram

Some ol’ coot with feet faster than Wilfried Zaha and a hole in his hat teaches you how to dodge rams when they charge you. His energy is as astounding as his humor is offensive, but he’s easy to love. If you throw in an extra nickel, he might tell you an old yarn from back in the day when he had more than four teeth.

Taco Bell

Get yourself a bell that declares, “¡Yo quiero tacos!” whenever you feel a craving. Comes with an extra bell for when you eventually break the first one out of pure euphoria.

Well, we got through that exercise. Gritted your teeth through that one, didn’t you? Let’s just forget that this happened.

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