Let’s ignore the elephant in the room, and instead aim our focus at the tattooed Brazilian standing next to it, dressed better than any of us would be if we had that kind of money. He’s impossibly talented, and I mean his ability on a pitch is so great that you would puke and then want to have his children.

• He trained with Messi every week, you know •

Neymar plays his football in Paris now, lining up for penalties he didn’t earn, but in a way, he did. For those wages, he better make those, and he does. Again and again, Edinson Cavani scowling as he watches the most expensive athlete ever easily beat the ‘keeper. Throw in an until then physically impossible freekick or an ingenious solo goal, and you’ve got a Saturday night in Paris sorted.

• I hate modern football •

When your dad has an influence on which club you go to, you’re bound to end up playing somewhere you don’t belong. Just ask Lavar Ball’s youngest heirs to the BBB throne.

Paris isn’t Barcelona, and it would feel insulted if you mentioned such a thing. Neymar doesn’t seem to mind being in one of the culture capitals of the world, even if the football is a little dry. That’s not to say Paris Saint-Germain can’t play with the flair and complexity of Louis XIV’s accent, but the lack of appropriate challengers is a stain that won’t be removed with €222m acquisitions.

Ligue 1 doesn’t have the TV deal that the Premier League has, but PSG certainly have that kind of money; the path to the Champions League final 16 is paved with silk.

• He’s not a real footballer. I hate modern football •

Who cares where he plays. He’s playing, isn’t he? He’s playing in fucking Ligue 1 in France, for shit’s sake. Do you want him to do it on a cold Saturday night in Stoke? No, no one wants to see that. He’d be all bundled up, ‘megging everyone for warmth. Bang in a few goals and make your dad cry. It’s okay, he needs to see it.

Watch that ‘fancy Brazilian’ slice through 5 men sitting too deep against someone this good with a ball. He could do it in Stoke, and he could do it in Stuttgart. His ability is undisputed, but his decisions are not.

• Louis Vuitton microscopes •

His next club will surely be a big one, as if that isn’t the dumbest and most obvious observation ever. Who cares what club, or where; when he arrives, he will be overanalyzed and loved, disregarded and hated.

It comes with the transfer fees and diamond studs.

Paris is a wasteland for football but paradise for everything else. They couldn’t hit a croissant off a crossbar, but maybe, if there’s enough time, Neymar can teach them.

This isn’t a renaissance for Neymar, a time of learning. With domestic competition lacking any kind of resistance to the pressing Parisians, Neymar can only serve to add to his trophy cabinet. That sounds dreadful.

What he’s doing is enjoying his football, spot kick spats or not. That’s all we should want.

If Madrid calls, chaos may disrupt the quiet streets of Paris, but until then, leave Neymar alone.

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