What If One “Seinfeld” Character Died?

Aww, look at them. Kramer’s got arms that are longer than a flight from LA to Chicago, but look at Jerry with his awkward fake smile (maybe it’s the massive grip Kramer has on his forearm that’s unnerving the guy). Elaine is clearly trying to break away, but succeeds in the same way George succeeds at anything, which is to say not at all.

What if one of the beloved “Seinfeld” characters wasn’t in this photo? What if, due to some typical Seinfeldian calamity one of them was to be permanently removed from the show? What the show would be like without one of the four main characters, like if George choked on a donut he found in the trash, or if Kramer really did drop dead like FDR wished for on his birthday?

Yeah, other characters from the show died, like the much-loathed Susan, but let’s not lie to ourselves and pretend we care. Does anyone know if Bubble Boy pulled through? That’s the only one I’d care about, but mostly ’cause he’s a kid. Knew his way around 8th century Spanish trivia, the little jerk.

Sorry.

Surely, we start at the front of the soup line.

Jerry

Well, this is easy. The show would be terrible when it’s about even less than nothing. No Seinfeld, no “Seinfeld”.

Elaine

She’s the glue that holds the show together, keeping the other characters from going completely insane. Without Elaine, the show would lose a dynamic character; George or Kramer can’t carry a story like she or Jerry can, and without her occasional rough shove and great comebacks, “Seinfeld” would be lacking serious depth. Plus, Jerry would be the smartest person and he requires frequent humbling.

Every episode can’t revolve around Kramer’s shenanigans and something ridiculous that happened to Constanza.

George

Speaking of which, a show without George wouldn’t last. If he was never a character, or if he died like Mrs. Landingham, the show would wouldn’t be as annoyingly hilarious. We need his ridiculous rants and crazy schemes to perform a “Switch”. Kramer and Jerry can still get into ruckus and Elaine can still feel superior to two massively inferior waifs, but George is like those fish that swim under sharks, eating all the nasty crap off them. They need each other for survival. George needs the show much more than it needs him, mind you.

But what about Cosmo?

Kramer

Instant classic. Enigmatic, yet straight forward.

If Kramer were to die (which wouldn’t shock anyone, really), the show would lose a lot of its luster. The chemistry he has with anyone he shares the screen with is undeniable, but would the show work without Kramerica Industries across from Jerry’s place?

Jerry would still have George, and he would still have Elaine, as George was his childhood friend and Elaine his ex-girlfriend. Both relationships had a background that preceded the show, ensuring the trio as characters upon which the show truly relies.

Kramer, though, was Jerry’s neighbor, a relationship that was born on chance. Kramer is a beloved character, surely a favorite of many, but the show wouldn’t be too different without that incredibly unique being. We might not know Newman without Kramer, but Jerry surely wouldn’t mind.

I don’t think we would, either. Kramer would be sorely missed, but the show would be capable of limping on without him for a season or two.

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